Seeking God

ok, here I am sitting in front of this computer trying to elaborate some ideas to express how I feel about my relationship with God.
A couple of days ago I was reading this article on internet about being mad at God, and the truth is that I think I am really mad at Him...again!!
I say again, b/c after my dad passed away (20 years ago), I sort of blamed on God what was happening in my life.
I was not able to understand what I was doing wrong. I thought that I was doing great , being a nice kid, a good son, a wonderful grandson. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. So, after all my miceries I started wondering...what the heck was wrong with me?
I started questionig myself because I thought I deserved all this crap I was going through.
I needed 16 years to realized that I was wrong.
Life is not easy stupid, freaking boy!!! But someone taught me that there was a way to deal with all my stuff...and that, unfortunately, no matter how good I was or whatever I did...If I didnt give my life to Jesus, I would be living in complete frustration and defeated.
So, guess what?? I did give my life to Jesus, so I thought...but almost three years later I came to the conclusion that I kept living in destress b/c I havent surrendered my life to Him completely.
I overcame my dad's death but still there was and there is something that keeps holding me back and what I keep blaming God for...(this is what I found out reading this article.)
Now, Hebrews 6: 10 says: God is not unjust... and believe me!! I know that. What I'm waiting for is for Him to answer, why me?
And you know what? I hate it when HE speaks to me the way HE does it.Today,
HE told me that I need more faith, more patience, and hope. yes, HOPE... I so overlooked this word!! Gosh! I am a complete idiot!!!!!!
Therefore, I thought I have quit...well, I guess I havent yet.
I have to start seeking God again...and ask Him forgiveness, another concept I need to revise.
I've been chosen

This is me for real

whay should I believe? I cannot even sleep well. These weird dreams pop up into my mind at night and wont let me rest. I am not denying that there is someone up there that is watching down on earth. what I am saying is that that someone is not looking at me. Maybe I was not created for that purpose.
When people talk about hell, and that means to live separate from God for all eternity...I think that that is freaking hilareous! for me hell is here on earth. Each and every day is living in hell for me, waiting for a healing that may never come, longing to be accepted for God or for people who may not care about me.
This is so funny! what do you want from me?? I have nothing . I am not worthy, no matter what you say... I have run out of everything..
I am tired!

Para quien escribimos?

Ok, acabo de abrir este sitio que se supone es para poder expresar lo que uno tenga ganas.
Sin embargo, son varias las preguntas que se me vienen a la mente: Para quien escribimos? Para nosotros mismos? o Para alguien en especial? Es una especie de ' journal' donde uno puede escribir lo primero que se le venga a la mente sin importar las 'casualties' o tendre que hablar de las personas que cuidan los autos o del frio que hace en esta simpatica ciudad?
Es divertido. Recuerdo a mi profesora de Lengua Inglesa 3, que como tarea, siempre, o casi siempre habia que escribir un ensayo...lo comico de esto es que mientras se suponia que teniamos que escribir de situaciones reales, para asi poder tener coherencia en lo que escribiamos, ella nos daba el titulo de lo que teniamos que desarrollar. Entonces, al final terminaba escribiendo lo que ella queria leer y no lo que yo queria escribir. Ni hablar de las veces que cambie el titulo de los ensayos para poder expresar alguna idea propia, de las cuales estoy bastante contento.
El punto es, si escribir en esta 'hoja' en blanco sera lo mismo que mis clases de lengua inglesa? terminare razonando sobre gente o cosas que no conozco? o voy a escribir y perpetuar (por un tiempo) lo que mi mente deje fluir?
Ya veremos, por el momento disfrutemos de nuestra hermosa lengua-el castellano, porque a partir del proximo post...todo sera en ingles...
there's only one way to master a language...and it is by using it.